


If I Could Stay

by Mister_Spock, Therm (Mister_Spock)



Category: Boy Meets World
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:27:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29165688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Spock/pseuds/Mister_Spock, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Spock/pseuds/Therm
Summary: Chet Hunter passes away suddenly, causing devastation to Jack and Shawn and their friends around them.
Comments: 26
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A continuation of the episode 'We'll have a good time then' from season 6 as I wanted some more exploration of how everyone deals with this and supports Jack & Shawn.
> 
> Title comes from the Song 'Stay (Faraway, So Close)' by U2.

“I'm sorry, boys. I'm sorry,” the doctor said, as he stood before Jack and Shawn, having just delivered the devastating news.   
Behind them, their friends were equally as shocked by the news. 

The doctor, who seemed as bereft as they themselves, looked at the boys with genuine sadness, reluctant to leave them even with all the support they had behind them. His eyes were glassy, not that either Shawn or Jack noticed the doctor's own struggles to regain his composure. 

Shawn struggled with finding his voice to the questions that were overwhelming him while Jack felt that despite feeling his heart rip at the news, he needed to follow Shawn's lead in grief. He wanted to say something, ask his own questions but Shawn had been so incredibly touchy since Chet had arrived, he dared not say a word.   
Jack noticed their friends behind them start to move a little, as they comforted one another. 

“I wanna see him,” Shawn eventually said. 

The doctor nodded. “Just give us a few minutes to clear up the room and I'll come and get you, boys. Okay?” he said.  
Shawn nodded in response while Jack looked uncertain.   
Noticing the hesitation, he addressed Jack and said, “No one's going to make you go in if you don't want to.” 

Jack dared a glance at Shawn, for some reason expecting him to berate him for not caring about their father at all, but Shawn wasn't really paying attention to whatever else was happening around him. “Thanks,” Jack said, feeling like the doctor's words might just protect him from Shawn's wrath. 

Once the doctor departed, Alan Matthews stood up and headed to the pair, putting an arm on each of their shoulders. “I don't know what to say,” he said standing behind them offering them a small piece of comfort.   
Jack felt his resolve crumble and glancing at Shawn, he saw his brother had already given in to the shock as tears ran down his face silently, yet despite that, he still rejected the comfort and support offered by Alan as he stepped forward, away from his touch,   
Jack reeled his emotions back, all too aware that he couldn't break down right now. He took a couple of deep breaths in and put his hand on Alan Matthews' hand and nodded his thanks as he swiped away the tears. 

Morgan had moved into the seat her father had vacated and was snuggled against her mother, looking every bit a little girl. Amy was soothing her quietly, her other hand protectively over her bump.   
George was still watching the boys from his seat, thinking back to a few hours ago when he'd first arrived. He'd watched Alan then try and comfort Shawn as the youngster tried to gather his strength in the face of a difficult battle.   
He silently wished that Shawn would allow some of the people who cared for him to just take a little of his burden from him rather than always trying to bear it himself. Jack would gladly take some of that burden, despite how even from where he sat, George could see the young man's struggles to contain his own grief. He knew given the chance, he would take on Shawn's pain as well as his own. He so wanted to be a great brother to Shawn. 

The same doctor returned to the group and spoke to Shawn and Jack again. “We're ready if you are?” 

Shawn nodded and headed to the room, not caring if Jack followed or not.   
The doctor looked at him and he struggled to find any words. “I don't-” 

“It's fine. You don't have to,” he said before heading off in the same direction Shawn had gone. 

Guilt gnawed at him and he turned to his friends, but address Mr. Matthews, still standing behind him. “Do you think that's the right thing to do?” he asked, his voice ragged with distress. 

“It's your decision,” Alan said. 

“But Shawn-” 

Alan shook his head. He wanted to say more but now wasn't the time. “Come and sit down,” Alan said and directed him to one of the free seats. He sat heavily as Rachel and Eric came over to comfort him. Taking a step away, Alan headed over to Cory who was stood with Topanga and Angela. He was staring distractedly at the direction Shawn had headed. 

“Cory?”

“I should be there with him,” he said. 

“You know him better than anyone,” he said softly, sensitive to how Jack and Shawn's own relationship was and not wanting to further hurt the other man who was still within earshot, “If you think he needs you, go.” 

“But what do I say?” he asked, suddenly unsure. 

“It's not about words right now,” Alan reassured him. 

Cory nodded and then looked to Topanga for her assurance as well. She kissed him and nodded back and Cory headed off after Shawn. 

“Amy, I want you and Morgan to head home,” Alan said. “I'll stay here.” 

Amy nodded in agreement. Morgan was upset. This was her first experience of death and she wanted to make sure she had a chance to explain things to her daughter. It wasn't going to be easy. “Do you want to stay George?” she asked. 

“I would like to stay, but I feel there's little for me to do right here and now,” he admitted. 

Alan looked to Topanga and Angela. “It might be best if there are fewer people around right now,” he suggested. 

“I agree,” Topanga said, smiling tightly at Angela. “Rachel?” 

“Yeah, I'll come with you,” she agreed, picking up the framed picture. “Do you want me to take this back home?” she asked Jack. He nodded. 

“I'm gonna stay,” Eric said in the seat beside Jack, ensuring his friend knew he wasn't about to abandon him in his hour of need. Jack offered a weak smile, as though he owed it to his friends to show his gratitude even if he didn't even want to smile right now.   
Eric responded with a hearty arm around his shoulder. 

Jack received several hugs and goodbyes as the others departed leaving a much smaller group left. Alan put his hand on Eric's shoulder. “I'm just going to see if Shawn and Cory are okay. I'll be right back,” Alan said as he headed off. 

Mostly alone for the first time, Eric suddenly felt so much like an adult.   
“I'm so sorry, Jack.”   
He then wished he'd said nothing as Jack's face crumpled and he tried to hide his pain as he covered his face with his hands.

Alan stood at the door where he'd visited Chet a few hours ago. Through the window, he could see Cory, a hand placed on Shawn's back trying to comfort his distraught friend. Shawn was holding Chet's hand as he sobbed like a little boy. 

He thought back to being in that room himself and that promise he'd made Chet.   
“I won't let you down, Chet,” he said aloud.


	2. Chapter 2

Cory knew in his life, he'd never felt more heartbroken for his friend than he did right now. 

Shawn was starting to come back from the daze of grief he'd initially been in. He'd stopped sobbing a while ago and eventually, he slowly sat up, staring at his and Chet's hands clasped together.   
There was a moment where time seemed to stay still as Shawn just looked at their hands together for some time before Shawn pried his hand away from Chet's with something akin to horror as the hand remained stiff and curled in place.   
Shawn visibly paled and turned from the bed, racing for the door and across the hall to the restroom. 

Cory followed but slowly, letting Shawn puke his guts up first. Someone else was just leaving as Cory arrived and shot him a look which might have been a warning, but it didn't matter, he was going in.   
Shawn was retching still but he had nothing to give. He coughed a bit, spat out the taste of vomit in his mouth, and sat exhausted on the floor in the cubicle. He was wrecked. In every way, a person could be. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Shawn had nothing left in him right then. 

Cory hadn't said a word since he'd entered Chet's room, not one thing the whole time. As his Dad said, it wasn't about words right now. He'd been there for Shawn. But now was the time. Shawn needed him. And the words were simple.   
“Come on, we're going home.”

~

Cory headed back the short distance from the toilets to the waiting area. His dad was still there, even thinking that made him feel guilty, and Jack and Eric were also sat together still. They're all waiting for Shawn, he realised. 

“Hey,” Alan greeted his son, standing up and offering a hug. They'd all had a rough day. 

“Where is he?” Jack asked. 

“Just went to the restroom,” Cory said. He didn't need to tell Jack he'd been sick with grief. Shawn asked Cory to give him a minute as he splashed cold water on his face at the sink, rinsed his mouth out and Cory decided a little privacy wouldn't hurt. 

“You boys want to go back to your places? You're welcome to come back with me,” Alan offered. 

Jack thought about it and shrugged. “I think going back to the apartments for the best. Rachel's on her own there otherwise.” 

Alan nodded in understanding and turned to Cory. “Whatever Shawn wants,” he said. 

The idea of being with his parents made Cory feel a little safer. Shawn was hard to deal with at times and situations in his personal life always made him a little crazy but this was on another level. Shawn had to be so conflicted about how he was feeling right now.   
Cory knew that Shawn loved his Dad. He loved and cared about him deeply. But his Dad also hurt him in ways that Chet never really acknowledged. Cory had encouraged Shawn to speak to him, while Chet couldn't run away from him. He didn't even know if that had been good advice. Had Shawn talked to him? Had the last few minutes of Chet and Shawn's time together been a blazing row, with poor Jack looking on?   
He hoped not. That would eat away at Shawn. 

“He sure is taking his time,” Eric said. 

A sudden feeling of guilt hit Cory for leaving Shawn alone and he didn't even have to move to know. Shawn had gone. Of course, he'd gone.   
He quickly went to the restroom Shawn had been in earlier. The cubicles all empty and no sign of his friend. Alan, Eric, and Jack had followed when they realised what Cory was doing. “He's not here,” Cory announced. “God, I'm so stupid!”

Jack headed to the room Chet had been in. It was empty now. No Chet, no Shawn. 

“We need to find him,” Cory said. 

“Wait a minute,” Eric said before Cory could race off. “I know Shawn can be a little crazy at times but maybe he just needs some space right now. Maybe the best thing to do is go home and wait for him.” 

“He's grieving, Eric!” Cory replied, angrily. 

“Right. But what does Shawn always do when he's stressed out about things?” Eric said. He knew Shawn's basic behaviours pretty well, he'd been around him for so long and even he knew when he was upset, Shawn ran. And he always came back. 

“I don't like it, Cor, but I think Eric's right. I think we just have to wait for Shawn to come back.”

It was the closest Cory came to crying. He hated the idea of leaving Shawn alone, knowing how distraught he was. He was also vulnerable and wanted to make sure no one exploited that. Shawn had a tendency to head towards trouble as it drew him in and that scared Cory. 

But he looked at Jack. He was grieving too. He saw the same worry for Shawn in his eyes but also those red-rimmed eyes and the mental and physical exhaustion from their day. It wasn't fair on Jack to worry them all about Shawn. He always came back when he was ready. He had to believe he would this time as well. 

“You're right. He'll come back when he's ready,” Cory said. “We should go.” 

He never felt more like he was abandoning his friend than he did right then. 

~

Shawn sat in the hospital chapel, head bowed as though he were in prayer but he wasn't praying to anyone right then. 

He was hiding. Hiding and hoping at the same time. He didn't think he could stand to be around anyone right now. And trapped in a car, even with Cory, wasn't something he thought he could deal with. He was on the edge and he knew it.   
So he hid. Sat stony still with his head down and hoping that no one would come and look for him or at least not think to look here for him. 

He didn't know how long he waited but eventually, he started relaxing, certain too long had passed and no one was waiting for him. 

He dared to leave the safety of a room where no one came to talk. As he stood, his eye met with another set. Familiar. The doctor who'd broken the news to them. The second he realised who it was the same second that Shawn put his head down and walked away. Terrified that the doctor would speak to him or try and offer some small condolence pushed Shawn forward until he was out of the chapel. He kept walking, the opposite way that he had arrived there so as not to head back to where Cory just might be waiting for him still.   
He found the stairs and rushed down them, not even wanting to risk the elevator and being trapped inside with someone. He didn't stop until he was outside and he could breathe in some fresh air. 

It was dark out now and there was no one about. He was grateful for that.   
Without even thinking of where he was going, he headed home.


	3. Chapter 3

Jack wasn't surprised that Rachel was still up when he and Eric returned home. 

She didn't hesitate in hugging them both as soon as they got in and closed the door. She hugged Jack for a long time, telling him how sorry she was. She was teary, but she didn't cry.   
They sat down together, Jack and Eric on the couch while Rachel sat at the breakfast bar. She sat for a few seconds before deciding to make coffee and busied herself. “Listen, Jack, if you want any help with any of the arrangements, I know it's soon, but I just want you to know that you don't have to do this alone,” she said. 

“Yeah, that's right, man,” Eric added, giving Jack a supportive pat on the knee. “You got us.”

“Thanks, guys,” he let out a breath. “I want to arrange the funeral, but I think Shawn will want to have it a certain way and I don't want to mess that up for him.” 

“He's your Father too,” Rachel said, confused. 

“It's complicated, “ Jack admitted. “Shawn and I grew up so differently and with such different opinions of our father. I guess the difference was that even though Chet wasn't there for me growing up, I still had parents there.”

“I got the feeling that Chet was a kinda absent father,” Rachel said. 

“It wasn't just Chet,” Eric chimed in. “In fact, he was there more than Shawn's Mom was. A few years ago she walked out of them as far as I could tell there was no warning or anything. She just left. She took the trailer and all their stuff and left her husband and son behind. And Chet went after her.” 

“With Shawn?” Rachel asked, hopefully as she finished off making them all a drink. 

“Nope. He left him with us.” Eric came over to the table to retrieve the drink she'd made. “Thanks,” he said. 

“How long did he go for?” Jack asked. 

“Honestly, I can't remember. Maybe a year?” Eric said. He was very aware of the fact that Chet had just died and he didn't want this to make him sound like a bad father. At the same time, Eric did know some of the stuff that Shawn went through better than Jack did. They really didn't gel very well, Shawn and Jack, and rather than talking to him, Shawn tended to accuse Jack and Jack felt so bad about all the years he'd missed with Shawn, he was desperate for anything. So if all Shawn gave him was a hard time, Jack would take it.   
“I think... I think Chet just was so worried about raising Shawn alone that he didn't think he could go back until he found his wife, you know? He wasn't a bad Dad, he just thought he wasn't good enough,” Eric said. 

“He said something like that himself,” Jack admitted. “They cleared the air a bit before-” Jack's face seemed to darken. It hit him right then and there that he'd never have a relationship with his Father, not even a bad one shrouded in disappointment. He didn't have one story he could tell people about his Dad. He left him. He came back and died.   
Jack stood up and headed over to the other two. “You know, I'm pretty beat. I think I'm going to head to bed,” Jack said. “I just wanted to thank you both for all you did today for me and Shawn. I don't know how we'd have got through today.”

The three of them embraced before Jack headed off to his bedroom. 

“I didn't know things between Shawn and his Dad were so bad. I mean, it was really tense when they were here but I stupidly thought cake could fix it,” Rachel said. 

Eric pressed the pedal on the bin to see the cake dumped inside. “You dumped the cake?” Rachel just nodded sadly. 

“Do you think Jack will be okay? He seems so sad,” Rachel pushed, looking sadly at the closed door. 

“Yeah, I think he just needs to feel how he feels, you know? Stop comparing himself to how Shawn feels. But yeah, he'll be okay. They both will.” 

~

Shawn didn't know what he was doing. 

That much was obvious when he got to the trailer and realised he had no way in. He hadn't lived with his Dad for a while now and he'd had no need for a key when his Dad was off traveling.   
He was tired and he thought about calling someone. But he'd choose to come out here alone, and he'd have to make the best of it. With no other plan, Shawn headed for the park. The benches there were decent to sleep on and he'd done that before. 

He vividly remembered hunkering down on a bench before, back when he was staying with Johnathan Turner and decided he was a burden. He'd headed out to his Uncle's but he'd left town and Shawn had decided sleeping on a bench was a better choice. Here he was again- a choice of other places he could be and choosing to isolate himself. He remembered it not being a big deal or not seeming that bad back then but he was cold and the bench seemed a lot harder and more uncomfortable than it had back then. He didn't even have a coat this time. 

He huddled on the bench and waited for the sun to rise. 

~

Cory had gone back to his dorm room, hoping Shawn would turn up. But he hadn't. 

He'd fallen asleep and had woken, only to be disappointed that Shawn wasn't there all over again. He went to the bathroom but Shawn wasn't there either before he called Jack and then his parents to see if Shawn had shown up there. He thought it was unlikely Shawn would go to his parent's house but he was desperate enough to ask. He told them that he'd call if he heard anything and to do the same. 

It wasn't long before Topanga and Angela stopped by, both worried as well when Cory told them Shawn hadn't shown up anywhere yet. 

“What do you want to do about classes?” Topanga asked him. 

“I mean, I wanna stay here and wait for Shawn but I know him and I don't know how long that might be.”

“Maybe it will do him some good to come back and have some space as well,” Angela added. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Cory said. He was reluctant. He just wanted to help. 

“Cory, why don't you leave Shawn a note, so if he comes back he'll know where exactly you'll be if he needs you,” Topanga suggested. She was certain that Shawn knew Cory's schedule as well as she did, but grief was a funny thing. It also seemed to give Cory a sense of purpose as he nodded his agreement and started to scribble out a note. 

With that left on Shawn's bed, the bed that Cory had lovingly made as he awaited Shawn's return, he headed out, pretending that he was getting back to normal when everything seemed wrong.


	4. Chapter 4

Shawn had never really thought he'd go to college. 

It had always seemed unlikely. He wasn't studious, he didn't think he was that smart and he thought for a long time something would happen between him and Cory and Cory would realise that he'd been mistaken all this time, and he and Shawn shouldn't be friends.   
But when none of that happened, and he was encouraged with the fact that maybe he could go to college, he worried he'd done too little too late to really make a difference. Because there was still the matter of money.   
College wasn't cheap and he had no scholarships to fall back on. Cory and Topanga had parents who expected their kids to go to college so had always been saving. Shawn's parents had always wanted him to go to college but between his Mum taking off and his Dad's pursuit of her and scams, he didn't think there was actually a fund for college.   
Shawn had been genuinely surprised when his father had told him not to worry about tuition. 

Shawn had gone to college with a sense of awe. He never thought he'd make it there and maybe that's why he'd gone into self destruct once he'd settled in. He'd broken up with Angela. He knew he still loved her but he was sure she'd realise she could do better soon enough and dump him. He started hanging out with other people rather than Cory and Topanga because they were happy and in love and he was miserable and alone and he didn't want to inflict that upon them.   
As always with Cory, the more Shawn pushed him away the more he fought to be beside him. Soon enough, they'd find couples to hang around with, that shared the same ideas as them, took the same classes, and had the same goals.   
And then Shawn alienated himself from the rest of the friend group. Outside of Cory and Topanga, the others weren't his friends. Angela was his ex, Eric was Cory's brother and they barely ever spoke to one another, Rachel was the woman they kicked him out for and Jack might be his brother but there was no relationship between them. They had nothing in common.   
And he knew he wasn't in a place where he was good to be around. He'd bring everyone down. He'd see his group of friends happy, laughing and they didn't need him to be part of that. To kill the mood. 

All said his first few months as a freshman hadn't been good.   
He looked at the building and felt nothing. Maybe it wasn't really a good time to be getting into his own head about his feelings around the school and his friends. His Dad had been dead less than a day and Shawn knew he needed to stay out of his head, but he was trapped there.   
He'd pushed everyone and he barely wanted to talk to anyone now. It hadn't been lost on him how careful Jack had been around him, or how attentive Alan Matthews had been at the hospital. 

He headed to his dorm keeping his head down hoping he'd be ignored. He had no idea if people knew or not, about his father but he didn't want to talk about it.   
Most people were at classes but the time he got to his room and ducked inside, relieved to find it empty. 

Cory had left a note, something about classes and he crumpled it and threw it on the floor. His mind was racing still but he was exhausted, so kicking off his shoes, he climbed into bed and welcomed darkness. 

~

Cory opened the room carefully hoping that Shawn would be inside. 

There was no sign of him as he opened the door and his heart dropped a little. But as he stepped fully into the room and looked to Shawn's bed, he saw the figure lying under the blanket. He felt a weight lifted from his shoulder and he quietly closed the door. He didn't want to wake Shawn.   
He quietly went about dumping his bag and left again just as quietly. 

Heading to Angela and Topanga first of all to let them both know that Shawn was back in their room and sleeping. Their relief was just as plain as Cory's was and he excused himself to go and make some calls. 

He called his parents first and let them know that Shawn was safe and promised he'd try and come to see them soon. He was hoping maybe to convince Shawn to come with him to see his parents. Cory felt incredibly unprepared to handle this. Once he hung up, he called Eric & Jack's apartment. Jack answered almost immediately and Cory assumed he'd been waiting for someone to call him, maybe even Shawn himself. 

“Hey Jack, it's Cory. I just wanted you to know that Shawn came back while I was at class so he's safe,” Cory said. 

“Oh, thanks for letting me know,” Jack said, letting out a sigh of relief. “How's he doing?” 

“Well he's asleep so I don't know but don't worry, I'll keep an eye on him.”

“Look, I got a call about funeral arrangements so if you can get him to call me or if he wants I can come to him and see what he wants to do.”

“Um, Okay,” Cory said uncertainly. He really didn't want to have to bring Shawn round to the harsh reality of making funeral arrangements but he knew it would need to be done.

“I'd just sort it out myself but I know he'd hate it if I did. And I want him to be able to have his say,” Jack explained. 

“Yeah, it's just... this is kinda awkward, but he's not going to want you to pay for the funeral.”

“Yeah I know, but Shawn can't afford it and I doubt Chet's got any savings.”

“Well he's managing to pay for Shawn's tuition, so maybe he'll surprise us all,” Cory said, optimistically. 

Jack was quiet for a minute before speaking again. “Well there should be some kinda plan in place if Shawn wants to pay but it's going to cost thousands. I really wish he'd just let me help. Why does he have to hate everything I try and do so much? Does he just hate me?” 

Cory could understand Jack's feelings and why they were surfacing so much right now. “He doesn't hate you, Jack” Cory reassured him. As much as he wanted to reassure Jack more, over the phone wasn't the best way and he didn't want to leave Shawn alone, even if he was sleeping. “Listen, if you want to come over and see Shawn, you know you're always welcome. And I can make myself scarce. You guys have got stuff you need to sort out and maybe it's better to do that face to face.” 

Jack let out a shaky breath and Cory wondered if he was crying. “Yeah okay man,” he said, hanging up leaving Cory uncertain if that meant he was going to come over or not. Cory hung the phone up, a small apologetic smile to the student patiently waiting to use the phone. He'd noticed he'd got a lot of sad sympathetic smiles today and he assumed news about Chet's passing had got round.   
Shawn had done a lot more socialising than Cory had so a lot of people knew Shawn and while Cory knew he'd spent a lot more time with Topanga than Shawn recently, people still knew they were friends and roommates. 

Cory headed back to his dorm room where he found a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on his and Shawn's door. He recognised Topanga's handwriting and smiled and the gesture. The last thing Shawn needed was to be woken up by something unimportant just because someone hadn't heard the news. However, Cory had to admit, he'd noticed a somber air around the dorm and appreciated it. 

Just as quietly as before, he crept into the dorm room and the first thing he did was check on Shawn. He hadn't moved an inch. He was torn between desperate to talk to Shawn so he could see how he was doing, to not wanting him to wake up yet so he didn't have to deal with the fallout that he knew was coming.

Shawn was going to have to face head-on a bunch of things that caused him pain and stress in his life. His father and his relationship, Jack, money, and ultimately, he'd have to deal with the fact that someone else he loved had left him. It wasn't Chet's choice this time but he wasn't there any longer. It wasn't as if Shawn didn't have enough abandonment issues as it was this was on a new level. He'd have to deal with guilt every time he felt abandoned because Chet hadn't left Shawn in the traditional sense but that wouldn't change how Shawn felt.   
Cory pushed thoughts about Shawn from his find and tried to study instead. It was hard to concentrate. Topanga stopped by for a few words of comfort and a hug. She told him to tell her if she needed anything but she understood he'd want to be with Shawn right now. It was Topanga's understanding nature that he loved the most. She never made him pick between her and Shawn and she always understood that, sometimes, Shawn came first. She never held it against Cory or made him feel guilty about it because she knew that if she needed it, Shawn would understand Cory's need to be with her and be the same. 

Jack didn't show up. Cory guessed that maybe it was a bit too soon and that maybe he wanted to know that Shawn was actually conscious before he came round. Waking him up to talk about funerals was probably about the worst idea a person could have. 

Cory headed to bed a little earlier than usual. The stress of the last couple of days had been a lot and he had no trouble drifting off to sleep. 

He was woken in the middle of the night to the sound of the door closing and Shawn's bed once again vacant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In canon, when Shawn and Cory go on their road trip, Shawn tells the guys at the truck stop his Dad died last week, so Chet died and they had the funeral and the next episode where Shawn and Jack go through the trailer inside a week which seems kinda unrealistic.   
> So for the sake of everything, I'll just assume that Shawn lost track of time a little.


	5. Chapter 5

“Shawn?” Cory called out to the empty room. 

He shoved his blankets out of the way and tiredly stumbled after his friend, noticing the co-ed bathroom door closing. A quick look in both directions showed no glimpse of Shawn and he assumed he had headed into the bathroom. Cory went into the bathroom too. 

“Shawn?” 

“Cory, I jus' wanna shower,” Shawn answered parting the shower curtain slightly. He was still fully dressed, the water wasn't even running yet, considering he'd barely made it inside before Cory had followed him. His hair hung in his face and he didn't even care enough to brush it out the way. 

“I know, I just- Do you need anything?” 

“Yeah, I need to shower,” Shawn answered before closing the shower curtain fully. 

Cory felt a mixture of reluctance to leave Shawn alone and the need to give him his space. He headed back to his dorm and thought about how best to handle things. Shawn wouldn't want Cory to fuss over him, and Cory was well aware of the fact that maybe if he crowded his friend, he might drive him away. Seeing as Shawn had nowhere to go, he needed to make sure he didn't take one of Shawn's limited options for a safe space away from him.   
Deciding he needed to talk to Shawn when he got back to the room, Cory decided it would be best if Shawn didn't felt like he was about to walk into 'a talk', so Cory turned off the lamp and climbed back into bed. He tried not to obsess over the idea that Shawn might head out. 

Eventually, the door did open and Shawn returned, drying his dripping wet hair with a towel, and a bathrobe wrapped around him.   
He sat heavily on his bed, head down, and let the towel drop from his hands onto the floor. He just didn't care about wet hair enough right now and he never cared about towels on the floor. Shawn sat there quietly for a while, with Cory watching him from his own bed, knowing now wasn't the time to speak.   
Soon enough, Shawn got up and headed to the other side of the room, out of Cory's line of vision, and changed. Cory only knew he was changing when he saw the bathrobe get thrown across the room and land in another pile on the floor. From all the time they'd spent together throughout their lives, Cory knew Shawn tended to be a little messy now and then and more so when he was stressed. If he was feeling his life was in chaos, he made his surrounding match. 

Shawn climbed back onto his own bed and lay there, staring at the ceiling. “You still awake, Cor?” he asked quietly, in case his friend had nodded off. 

“I'm here,” Cory assured him. 

“Does everybody know?” 

“I don't know. I think maybe word got around. Feeny probably took care of making sure whoever needed to know knows.”  
Shawn didn't respond to that. “Listen, Shawn, I can't imagine how tough things are right now. So, listen if you need space and you need me to go and give you some time, just ask, okay?”

“Thanks, Cor,” Shawn said with none of the usual happiness in his tone. 

“I think Jack might come by later,” Cory said when the silence between them went on a bit too long. 

“Why?” There wasn't any emotion behind the question. 

“Funeral.”

Shawn made a non-committal noise at that. 

“Hey, Shawn?” 

“Hm?”

“I know I said I'd give you space but if you need me, I'll cancel tomorrow's classes and stay here all day. Just.... let me know what you need, okay?” 

“I don't know what I need,” Shawn admitted. 

“You're not supposed to know. But, just remember we're all here for you, okay?” 

“Sure,” Shawn responded. 

~

While Shawn didn't say whether or not he wanted Cory to stay with him, Cory decided he would stay with Shawn. If he felt like Shawn needed his space, he could leave but he didn't want to isolate the guy when the most reliable member of his family had died. And the fact that Chet was the most reliable member of the family was sad enough in itself. 

Cory studied and worked on assignments that he had and Shawn mostly just sat on his bed. Cory didn't care if Shawn just wanted to sit there all day and say nothing.   
Just before midday, Jack stopped by to talk about funeral arrangements. Cory asked Shawn if he wanted him to stay and he waved him off. Letting the brothers talk about their father might do them some good, although Cory doubted it would happen. 

He headed out, deciding he would grab some food for himself and Shawn to pick at. He decided to get fast food, burgers, pizza, fries, nuggets. Things that were easy to pick at and eat later, even if they were cold. He'd just dump the food down and snack himself and hope that Shawn just helped himself as he wanted to. 

Cory marveled at Shawn and Jack's relationship. Jack and Shawn both claimed they always wanted a brother, always wanted to know one another, but neither of them seemed to be able to connect to one another.   
Shawn just carried so much resentment for Jack. His better life circumstances, the fact that even though his Dad was absent from his life, he had that substitute father figure which Shawn lacked. Cory did think if they both relaxed a little more, they would get there. Shawn needed to ease up on Jack a lot. He blamed him for a lot of his hurt and upset about his parents which wasn't fair. Jack wasn't to blame for any of it. Jack let Shawn get away with it. He rarely stood up to Shawn as Eric would with Cory because he just didn't know Shawn well enough to know what might upset him. And if Jack was trying to be a role model for Shawn it was certain that Shawn would resent him for it.   
Cory hoped they could work things out. He wanted Shawn to have a dependable family member. Just one, that wasn't asking too much. 

Cory was a little nervous when things were quiet when he got back. He was worried that maybe things had gone bad and they'd had an argument or maybe Shawn had just left. He gently knocked and opened the door slowly.   
Things were still quiet with Jack sat on the floor at the end of Cory's bed while Shawn sat on his own bed. 

“I bought food. There's plenty if you want anything,” he said, placing the bags and boxes down on the desk and grabbing himself a burger. 

“I should go,” Jack said, standing up. 

“You don't have to,” Shawn offered. 

Cory didn't think Shawn sounded very heartfelt with the statement, but then they both looked pretty miserable, and considering what they'd been doing, he understood that. He grabbed a box of fries and handed them to Shawn, who took them without a word and put them beside him on the bed. 

“Gosh, I didn't even know I was hungry until I saw food,” Jack admitted. “It's weird how it gets you like that, huh?” he said, although it was more a comment than a question. 

“I'm so sorry,” Cory said. He'd told Shawn this but he wanted Jack to know as well. 

“Yeah, thanks, me too.” Jack seemed a little reluctant to say anything else and after a moment or two or looking at Shawn first he pressed ahead. “I was looking forward to getting to know him.”   
That drew Shawn's attention, who looked over to his half brother quietly. “I mean, who knows if he'd have stayed or not but I guess in those first few hours with him, having lunch, I believed he'd stay and it was a nice feeling. I was happy.” 

Cory was certain that Shawn would blurt out any minute about how Chet would never have stayed and that he'd have left them because that's what he always did, but he just turned back from Jack and looked down at the fries he was absently fiddling with. He said nothing and it unnerved Cory more than if he'd exploded in anger and rage. Because he expected that.   
He didn't expect Shawn's hurt and anger to be replaced with this apathy.

Cory put his burger down on the desk and moved the fries out of the way as he sat next to Shawn and hugged his friend.   
He didn't say anything, he didn't need to.   
He knew that right then and there, his friend needed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave a review if you like it.   
> I have a few other stories I'd like to write pretty much all Shawn centric. I'm not a shipper so sorry if that's your thing but every other friggin' story seems to be slash so I'm sure you'll cope, lol!


	6. Chapter 6

Shawn had stayed at the dorm as long as he could stand it. 

He appreciated Cory's concern and he knew that Jack was trying to be nice, but he still felt smothered. And when it seemed that Jack wanted to hang out with his brother more than anything else right now, Shawn had split. 

He didn't want to argue with Jack but he could feel his temper going. To be fair to Cory, he did advise Jack not to go with Shawn when he said he was leaving and Jack did listen. That was something.   
He felt somewhat better outside. Maybe it was just not feeling cooped up, it was something he just wasn't used to. He had no idea where he wanted to go, or where he should go. The trailer park was too far and he still couldn't get into his Dad's trailer even if he went there. He was lost in his own thoughts, barely noticing the noise from some sort of house party going on close by. 

“Hey Shawn,” said one of his fellow classmates, Katie. She seemed a little flirty and he wondered if she hadn't heard about his Father. She wasn't acting as most people had and that was refreshing. 

“Hey Katie,” he replied, smiling at her.

“We're going to the party, tell me you're heading there too,” she said with a hopeful smile on her face. 

“I don't think I was invited,” he replied honestly. 

“Oh stop, everyone's invited. And if you're still not sure, you can be my guest. How about it?” 

He shrugged. “Sure, why not.” 

~

“You guys didn't need to come back with me,” Jack said as he opened the door and gestured for his friends to come in. 

“It's no problem,” Topanga said. “We wanted to come.”

Eric and Rachel were at the kitchen counter, Rachel eating and Eric with a coffee. They all greeted one another. 

“I just worry if Shawn goes back and he's all alone,” Jack said. 

“Look, I'm not going to stay for hours, but he left and he needs time to himself for a bit. He'll come back and I'll be there,” Cory reassured. 

“Well, I guess you would know,” Jack conceded. “I barely know him, how could I think I can even help him out right now.”

“You know, I grew up with Cory, and sure, we've had some good times together and sharing a room for so many years you do get to know people pretty well. And we might appreciate that more now, but as we were growing up we sure didn't. But I can bet you anything that Shawn knows Cory better than I do,” Eric assured Jack. 

“I second that,” Topanga added. “I've known Shawn as long as I've known Cory and he's told me I'm one of his best friends and I don't think we know each other that well. Shawn just holds back on people. It's not personal.” 

“I guess I hoped we'd hang out more when he lived here,” Jack confessed. “But it was always me and Eric and Shawn just did his thing.”

“He's three years younger than you,” Eric said. 

“And, he just got the chance to live in a house without adults as a high school student. That's some crazy freedom right there,” Angela said. 

“Did you and Shawn discuss funeral plans?” Rachel asked. 

“Yeah, a bit. We're going to a place tomorrow to talk it through face to face.”

“Well that's good,” Rachel said, smiling at him. 

“I think I'm going to head to bed. Thanks for everything guys,” Jack said as he retreated to his room. 

“Thanks for coming back with him, you guys. That was really nice,” Rachel said. She really didn't know any of the group very well and this was a hard thing to have to go through. 

“Do you think he's doing okay?” Topanga asked. 

“Yeah, I think he's okay,” Eric said. “I mean, considering.”

“They both might feel better once they're started organizing some things. Or at least they'll feel that they're doing something.” Angela said. 

“Did they get on okay earlier?” Eric asked Cory. 

“From what I saw they did, but I kinda left them to it.”

“We should get back. For Shawn,” Topanga said and Cory nodded. 

“Hey Cor, can I have a quick word?” Eric said as he headed away from the others to talk privately to his brother. When they were out of earshot of the rest of the group, Eric continued. “Look, I don't know what's been going on with Shawn, but when I got here earlier when Chet was here, it was pretty intense.”

“How do you mean?” Cory asked. 

“He wouldn't let him off the hook. I mean, I don't know all the stuff that goes on in his life like you do, but it was kinda like everything he wanted to say to him he said, you know? Walking out of him and never keeping his promises.”

“Okay,” Cory said, processing the information. “That's-”

“It's bad,” Eric interrupted. 

“What do you mean?”

“Because they were arguing before he had his heart attack. And when me and Rachel stopped by the hospital, Chet even joked that it was Shawn yelling at him that caused it. I mean, if they were arguing before he died-”

“Yeah,” Cory said, getting the idea of what Eric was getting at. “I can't ask Shawn about that though, can I?”

“Can you afford not to? He trusts you, Cor. If he's going to open up to anyone about this, it's gonna be you.” 

~

Shawn didn't think that many people at the party knew anything about what had happened. 

His social circle wasn't that big yet and he only recognized a few faces. He could tell some had heard what happened to his dad by their awkward glances and quickly averted eyes. He didn't care. 

Katie leads him through to one of the smaller rooms which wasn't quite as busy as the other rooms, less crowded, cosier.   
Almost as soon as they were in the room, she turned and wrapped her arms around him, kissing him. He didn't stop or pull away but when they finally did, she was smiling at him. 

“How was that?” 

“That was nice,” he said. 

“Oh, I can do better than nice,” she said and went to go in for another kiss. 

He pulled away a little. “Not that I'm not into this, but I need a drink. And then we can pick right back up,” he said, smiling at her so she knew he was sincere and not just blowing her off. 

“Well, I don't want you to be dehydrated,” she said as she reached over to the bucket of drinks on ice and pulled one out. “Here,” she said as she opened the beer and handed it to him. 

He looked at it for a moment too long before he went to take it. 

“You don't want a beer?” she asked, holding on to it. 

He reached for it and gently took it from her grip. “I wanna beer,” he said and took a sip. “And I wanna kiss you.”


	7. Chapter 7

Angela had found it hard not to think about Shawn the last few days. 

Since she'd heard about his Father concentrating on essays seemed near impossible. She was grateful that Topanga understood how she felt and was so easy to talk to. 

When Cory came over, she could see how hard it was for him to deal with as well. He desperately wanted to help Shawn but there was very little he could actually do to help his friend, Shawn wasn't an open book at the best of times. 

It was the morning of the day Shawn and Jack were supposed to go and make plans for the funeral.   
Cory had come and told them Shawn hadn't been home when he went to sleep last night and he was woken by Shawn's arrival at about 2 am. He'd asked Shawn if he was okay, Shawn said he was fine and told him to go to bed before turning in himself.   
He'd still been sleeping when Cory had left this morning. 

Cory also told them he was going to attend classes today seeing as Jack was coming over and then they'd be out for a while.   
Angela tuned out a little as Topanga started to reassure Cory everything would be okay. She wanted to know where Shawn was spending his time. She went to classes as normal but asked around some of her friends, trying to find someone who might have seen Shawn yesterday.   
Eventually, she heard that a girl called Katie had mentioned hanging out at a party last night with Shawn. 

Angela tracked her down during a free period, found her studying at the coffee house. 

“Hey, Katie is it?” 

Katie looked up and smiled. “Yeah. Do I know you?”

“I don't think so. I'm Angela. I heard you were out with Shawn Hunter last night.” 

Katie's smile dropped. “He's- you're not his girlfriend, are you? I heard he was single.”

“No, I'm not. I'm just a friend of his.” 

“Oh!” She smiled brightly again. “Thank God! I thought he was so nice, such a good listener! I'd have been really bummed if he had been a cheat.” 

Angela took a seat opposite Katie. “A good listener?” 

“Yeah, he was so quiet and thoughtful. Usually, guys are just trying to tell you how great they are and hitting on you with some kinda cheap move. I mean, Shawn was a little tense, but after a couple of beers, he really relaxed.”

Angela felt herself chill at the idea of a drunk, grieving Shawn alone at the dorms. “He just had a couple of beers?”   
Katie nodded. Angela took a deep, calming breath. “Did he tell you that his Dad just died, like two days ago?”

The shock on Katie's face told her the answer before Katie said a word. “What?”

Angela had been thinking on her way over how she could ask Katie to back off from Shawn without making it sound like she was a crazy ex. Sat opposite the other lady, Angela's resolve to be the reasonable ex went out the window with the words 'beers'. “I'm only going to tell you this once. Stay away from Shawn Hunter, are you're dealing with me.” 

She didn't give Katie a chance to reply as she got up and walked away. 

~

Shawn was woken to someone knocking on the dorm room door. He peered across the room and saw Cory's bed was vacant and decided that whoever it was could wait as he wasn't up to seeing anyone. 

He didn't fall back to sleep, but Shawn lay there listening to life going on outside the dorm rooms. He couldn't keep his brain from thinking. Going over the last day he spent with his Father. Sulking and brooding and complaining. He hated himself for being that way. Blamed himself. Could hear himself over and over again complaining to Jack every time he voiced any of his own feelings, Shawn just bulldozed through them.   
He didn't want Jack to feel sad for someone he didn't know. How did he have the right to feel sad about him? He didn't was Jack next to him at the funeral weeping for his Dad when he was never there. It made him mad just thinking about it and every single time Shawn snapped at Jack about anything he said, Jack was nice and kind to him. He was reasonable and he didn't hate Shawn for what he said.   
And that just made Shawn hate himself even more. He wanted to make more of an effort. He wanted to be kinder and more patient with Jack but he was so hard. He couldn't see beyond all the things that he still needed answers for and there was no one here to give them to him. 

He felt incredibly unprepared for life without a parental figure around, despite the fact he hadn't had one for a lot of his life. It felt too big. Like the world could just swallow him up now and there was no one he could count on to save him from it. 

He lay around until his stomach growled enough for him to get up and get dressed. Showering was too much effort and he did make an effort to wear something a little more respectable as he had to go with Jack today and sort things out.   
He hoped Jack wouldn't try and pay for everything. He knew he would want to, but Shawn wanted to do something for his Dad himself. 

There was a knocked at the door again and as Shawn was already up, he decided he might as well answer it this time. He was surprised to see Jack, Amy, and Alan all stood there. He wasn't sure it was a good surprise as he stood there staring at them. 

“Sorry, I'm here kinda early. Mr & Mrs. Matthews wanted to speak to us and offered me a lift here. Hope that's okay?” Jack asked. 

“Sure,” Shawn said.

“Would you mind if we came in?” Alan asked. 

Shawn shook his head and moved aside as Alan went to one of the chairs and pulled it out for Amy to sit in. Shawn pushed the door closed and sat on his bed. He really didn't have the energy for a lot of people right now and he hoped they weren't here to try and get him to talk about things. 

“We just wanted to speak to you both about something we've been thinking about the last couple of days,” Amy started to explain. 

“Right. We just wanted to offer our place if you wanted to have a wake after the funeral,” Alan continued. 

“Now, you don't have to decide right now, we just wanted to put that out there and let you think about it. And, if you don't want a wake or you don't want it with us, that's fine. No one will be offended, we just wanted to offer,” Amy concluded. 

“That's a really nice offer,” Jack said. He looked to Shawn who gave him a slight nod. “We'll talk it over and let you know.” 

“Like we said, no rush. If you guys want a lift as we're heading out, it won't be a problem,” Alan added. 

Shawn didn't realise they were waiting for his answer until Jack gently knocked his shoulder to get his attention. “A lift? Um, sure, I guess.” 

Alan helped Amy back to her feet and Jack grabbed the door. 

As Shawn stood up, Alan turned to him. “Are you doing okay, Shawn?” he asked. It was a partially stupid question he knew because no, he clearly wasn't but mostly, he wanted to get a response from the young man. 

And although he got an answer, it wasn't really what he was expecting. “I don't think I am,” Shawn said. Voice flat and void of anything.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter. 
> 
> I'm in the middle of a bunch of night shifts when I normally work day shifts. I have lots of other BMW story ideas. There's probably not a lot left in this story as it will end when the next episode picks up with Shawn deciding he needs to get away for a while.

Jack was depressed. 

Temporarily, he realised as he and his brother sat opposite one another in some diner they'd found awaiting their food order, but nonetheless, right now, he was depressed.   
He and Shawn had visited with the funeral director. It had gone relatively well in the sense that they had a date picked out and made the majority of the arrangements. There were a few more minor details to sort out soon, like music and flowers and things like that but they had a couple more days to get those decisions made. Or at least, Shawn did. 

Because one thing became apparent while they were there and that was that Jack knew nothing of Chet. For some reason, this revelation, one that he already knew, just floored him.   
There were times during the decision-making where Shawn started shutting down. The funeral director helping them through it would look to Jack when Shawn got that certain look come over him, a vagueness was the best way Jack could describe it, and he'd expect Jack to pick up where Shawn had left off, but he couldn't because he didn't know what Chet would want and he didn't know what Shawn wanted either. So instead of helping, all he could do was prompt Shawn to pull himself together and make a decision. 

“Two orders of burgers and fries,” the waitress said putting the food down in front of them. 

“Thanks,” Jack said. 

He didn't want to eat. Shawn didn't want to eat but he was aware of the last time he'd eaten something and he didn't even know when the last time Shawn bothered to eat was. They both picked at their food unenthusiastically. They didn't speak to one another. 

When they were finished, Jack suggested they get a ride back to the dorm and he'd walk to his apartment from there but Shawn said he wasn't ready to go back yet and walked away.   
And Jack let him. 

~

As Chet's funeral got closer, Shawn made the decisions he needed too but something was feeling wrong. 

He was feeling so lost and abandoned the first few days after his Dad passed but as that began to ebb away, this dark anger crawled into its place.   
He found sitting through the funeral incredibly hard. They weren't a religious family and something about going through a service like that felt so strange. And of course, funerals were made to remember how great that person was. No one wanted to talk about the real person or their flaws. He sat there with a blank face as he listened to someone who didn't even know Chet talk about what a loving father he was. Anger and resentment boiled away inside him and he did all he could to keep it inside. 

Shawn and Jack had been asked if they wanted to say anything themselves and Shawn had declined. Jack considered it before he came to the realisation that he had nothing to say. Shawn felt bad for Jack but he didn't tell him that.   
Cory offered to say something, but Shawn told him it was okay this way. 

He got through the service somehow. He and Jack had accepted the Matthews' invitation to have a wake at their house. 

Shawn had asked the others to go ahead and that he'd like to just spend some time alone first. Cory had correctly predicted that what Shawn meant by that was he was planning to ditch the wake.   
Shawn didn't see Cory the next day, he'd already left when Shawn woke but he had left a note for him, telling him he'd go to Topanga and Angela's and give Shawn some space. He wasn't trying to push Cory away but he just needed to get through each day as best he could right now and if that meant being a little neglectful to other people right now, that couldn't be helped. 

But his unrest was growing and he needed to do something.   
He just didn't know what that was right now.


	9. Chapter 9

Shawn ignored the first two knocks on his door. 

When the third time it happened, it was persistent, he reluctantly got up and opened the door. He was surprised to see Alan Matthews stood there. “Cory's in class,” he said automatically. 

“I figured that,” Alan responded. “I came to see you.”

“Why?” Shawn asked. 

Alan stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. “Because as a father, I know that I'd want someone looking out for my kid if something were to happen to me.”

Shawn turned away from Alan, busied himself with cleaning some of the trash off the desk. “I'm not your problem.” 

“You've never been a problem.”

Shawn scoffed at that. 

“What?”

“You don't think I remember where the finger was pointed the first time Cory and I went drinking. And that was you. You thought I was a problem.” 

Alan couldn't deny the accusation. It had happened and it was as bad as Shawn made it sound. “You know who the problem in that scenario was, don't you? It wasn't Cory and it wasn't you. It was me. Just because we're adults we don't get things right. The same way that Cory dealt with heartbreak was wrong and that you dealt with alcohol was wrong because it was both of your first times dealing with that. I dealt with my kid drinking underage wrong as well. Because it was my first experience with it too.”

“Eric never did it?”

“If he did it underage he was a lot better at hiding it than you and Cory.” Alan sighed. “I'm sorry if that hurt you, Shawn. And I mean that as much as I did back then. Don't think that a parent makes bad decisions and doesn't regret them. Even if they make them again.”

“Like leaving you behind?” Shawn asked, now turning to face the older man. 

“Just like that, yeah.” Alan waited for Shawn to say something else, but it didn't come. “It's not wrong to be angry when someone you love leaves you, Shawn.” 

“He always left,” Shawn replied defensively, arms crossed in front of him. 

“That doesn't mean he didn't care about you.”

“Maybe not. But it means he never listened. And it means that he never understood me or what was important to me at all,” Shawn said, the words coming out in a fit of anger. “He promised me and Jack he was going to stay this time after I told him how much I needed him to be there. He promised he would stay this time.” 

Alan recalled Chet's own admission that he planned to leave again, asking Alan to take care of Jack and Shawn, look out for them if they needed anything. There was no way that Shawn would find out about that conversation from him. It would cement every bad feeling Shawn had about his Father, even if he'd made his promise to Jack and Shawn later and changed his mind. Shawn had enough doubts without an admission that Chet was looking to leave them behind again. 

“Don't be angry with him for leaving like this,” Alan said. “If you're angry with him for everything else, be angry and let it out. But dying isn't like choosing to walk out the door. He didn't choose that. It happened to him. He didn't choose to leave you.” 

Alan had spent a lot of time with Shawn through the years due to his friendship with Cory.   
And he never saw the boy dissolve into tears as he did just then.   
And he did what he promised Chet he would do. He took care of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always loved scenes when the Matthews' took care of Shawn (or someone took care of Shawn) in a parental way and it felt completely right to me that Alan would try and comfort Shawn.   
> It would be a lot for Cory to deal with seeing as they're all fairly young themselves and it Cory kinda implied that Shawn sort of was unreachable to him after the funeral. I think a big part of that would be that Cory just couldn't understand how Shawn was feeling in himself.   
> Hope you like this.


End file.
